So, I am sure many of you that are reading this either are wondering what happened to me or know exactly why I haven't been blogging. For a while, I felt all hope was lost. I wallowed in my own sorrow wondering why all this happened to us. We are good people, go to church and the list could go on forever. After some time, my pity party ended. After I told all the what felt like thousands of people we weren't pregnant I was truly able to focus on what my goal is. Getting Pregnant. Well a couple of significant events happened recently and made me realize how blessed I am. Here is my short story.

First, I have decided to bead jewelry to sell to earn money towards my next cycle. My new website is www.overcomeinfertility.org. I would appreciate it if you visited and forwarded the website to friends and family. Anyway, the people that have participated so far have been the most unexpected. I haven't spoken to either of them for I don't even know how long yet both of them felt touched by our story and wanted to help. Still brings tears to my eyes. Made me realize how blessed we are to know such lovely people. Everyone has forwarded my story to others and more people are learning about what we all endure everyday. Anyway, I have earned $82.00 so far and I am sure the number will continue to rise, by the grace of God.

Also, through the support group RESOLVE (www.Resolve.org) I learned that Talbot's offers infertility coverage even to part time employees. So I applied. I secretly thought they wouldn't call for an interview and this would be a long shot but why not? It wouldn't put me in any worse of a situation than I was in. Two days later, I got the call. They want to interview me. I go tomorrow. So I have a good shot to have my next cycle covered by insurance minus the medications. I can't believe it. I will be tired from working two jobs but becoming a Mommy is definitely worth it! Please pray that I get the job!!

So in short, I have a lot to be thankful. Many of you have picked yourselves off the ground and I must do the same. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful DH and such wonderful bloggers. I have really enjoyed and appreciated your comments.

More to come...

Ladies, I can't thank all of you enough for all the wonderful words of encouragement. It was very comforting to hear!

I did go to the doctor on Thursday and officially received the BFN. I was so devastated I had to leave work. To be honest, it was not any easier to receive the negative HPTs beforehand. It took a few days to lick my wounds and figure out a few next steps.

My RE's clinic said my next cycle would cost $7,000.00 instead of $11,000.00, excluding meds. We are trying to find a way to obtain that money.

I have also sent applications to become an egg donor to help pay for our own round.

Lastly, I received confirmation that Avon agents receive infertility coverage with their insurance. Therefore, I am researching of that option as well.

I am simply trying to focus on the future opposed to the present. :)

Thank you again!

For all you readers, I am so sorry that I have not been posting like I normally do. It has been a few days.

I went to the store to buy a digital pregnancy test and to also buy some traditional ones. I knew many women had said they got their coveted BFP around day 7 or 8 but I still had hope. I was excited. All the experiences I had read of other couples showed a BFP definitely by day 11. In fact, the embryo timeline stated that by day 11 you would definitely know. I had my 4 tests and when I got home I immediately peed in a cup. This process was so familiar. I can't even tell you how many times I had gone through the home pregnancy test process. Years and Years worth. So, I dipped the sticks and waited. I left to go let my furbaby, Bella, outside knowing this would give plenty of time for the tests to process.

I went back to my bedroom and dreaded looking at the tests. I had seen so many negatives that I desperately wanted to see two beautiful pink lines or the amazing word "Pregnant." I walked past the sticks, went to my closet to arrange some clothes. I realized I would have to look at them; it wouldn't change anything if I didn't. I took a deep breath, and looked at the sticks that would be tell me my future.

It was like visiting a consistent old friend. One bright pink single line and the words "Not Pregnant." I crashed. I cry just writing this. I am so crushed. I wanted this to work so badly that I think I made myself believe it worked. I continued to look at the all too familiar tests. It was so surreal; almost like looking from the outside in. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I text Jon the words "Game Over." Now, I know what a lot of you ladies might say. It could be a late implanter, you still could get pregnant. However, I researched the possibility of those statements being true and the chances are slim to none. I am simply "Not Pregnant."

I don't know what my next steps will be. We don't have the money for another cycle; we don't have the money to adopt. I have BETA on Friday but I don't see the point. However, I will finish what I started. How am I to face everyone at work who is waiting to hear? How do I tell my family? Why did I have to tell everyone under the sun that we were going through In Vitro? I guess I will figure the answers to these as I go.

We did everything right. We took all the meds right on time. I had a great response to the meds. I mean 20 eggs!! They found plenty of sperm to fertilize. We transferred two beautiful embabies, 8 cell perfect! I rested and talked to my little ones. Jon would rub my belly and tell them how much we desperately wanted to meet them. I was on dozens of prayer lists; my family was praying; I even had a candle lit for me; I prayed everyday for a wonderful family. I really don't think I could have done anything differently.

Right now, I don't know if I will ever hear the words, I love you Mom.

Thank you for all the prayers and kind words of encouragement. I will continue to hope all of you get your wonderful BFPs. I know all of us are all too familiar with waiting for "our turn."

Thank you for listening and letting me vent. I am generally an optimistic person but sometimes Mrs. Negativity rears her ugly face!

I am 8 days pregnant today. I POASed again. Negative. All day I have been devastated. Most threads I have read, the women have seen their positive by now. After much crying today I have decided not to give up. My BETA is not until Friday. I still have plenty of time for the HCG levels to increase. I will continue to pray. I need to remember; Leave it up to God.

I also got the privilege of being tagged for.....my first MEME!! :) Thank you to SAHW!!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago, I was 15. It would have been the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. I am sure I was hanging out with friends, driving (only with my permit), and working at my parents grocery store in my home town!

2. 5 things on my to do list today: Clean House, Organize Closet, Eyebrow wax (really needed it!! :) ) Groom Bella (toy poodle), Pick out specifics for house (We are building a new house)

3. Snacks I enjoy: I think the list would be easier if I told you the snacks I don't like! LOL! I love cheese, crackers, and wine; love love love chocolate cake, Love nuts-any kind: cashews, almonds, pecans, walnuts, anything! I love Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream!! Okay, gonna stop because I am getting hungry.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire.
My list is long but here it goes. First, I would purchase my grandma a new house just for her. I would make sure my parents are set for retirement and beyond. I would give my little brother some money to start his life but not until after he finishes college. Go Aggies! Whoop!!

I would donate time and money to Meals on Wheels. I have always admired this organization. Such devotion and love.

I would quit my job and lobby for legislature to require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments.

I would go on an extended vacation with my honey. He's so good to me and really deserves it.

After all this, I would then buy me a new pair of Manolo Blahniks.

5. Places I have lived. I am born and raised in Karnes City, Texas. Population 800. Then I moved to San Antonio, Tx where I currently reside. That's it!! I will always stay in Texas, God willing.

6. People I want to know more about: Sorry if I don't know your first name yet!!

Pamela
Alicia
JJ

Fiddle1
Morrisa

**I must worn you readers. Generally I am a happy and positive blogger. I try to always be thankful for what I have and enlighten others. This post will not support my norm. Read on at your own risk**

So I was sitting here thinking about how I would love a burger from Sonic with onion rings and man have I gained a few from the steroids. Well, to be totally honest, I was far from being small before the steroids but they haven't helped.

I was just thinking about for so many years everyone kept saying, just lose some weight and you'll get pregnant really quick! In other words, if you were less fat you too will be blessed with a baby as if not being pregnant was a choice of mine. If I only put back the last ding dong magically a fetus would appear in my belly. Ridiculous.

This goes to all of the people that made the stupid suggestion:

I want to say to all of those people that apparently it wouldn't have mattered if I lost 50 or 75 lbs we just wouldn't have been able to get pregnant. How dare you assume that it was my choice to eat better and get pregnant and that apparently getting pregnant was not a priority to me. Don't rub your F***ing fertility blessings in my face!

Oh yeah and we can't forget the people that thought if I just had less stress and didn't think about getting pregnant so much then I would get pregnant! As if the day I quit my stressful job a baby would magically appear. This concept is absolutely stupid and insulting.

For those that are naturally blessed as a fertile couple, here are the rules when talking to someone who is not as blessed:

1. Do not tell me to relax and don't think about trying.
2. Do not tell me to just lose weight and all will be fine.
3. Do not ask me if there is any other option than IVF. Don't you think I would have tried it!!?? No, of course not. I love spending $15,000.00, getting pricked daily with needles, getting poked and prodded by docs just to have a small chance that I will get pregnant.
4. Do not assume that I will have 8 children at once. That is just ignorant.
5. Do not tell me how jealous you are that we get to go and see a movie. Don't you know that I would give up anything to be able to NOT have the time to go to a movie?? Do you really think that I am happy it is just me and DH going to the movies instead of a sweet family hanging out in the living room???
6. Do not get your feelings hurt when I am not absolutely thrilled to hear that your friend got pregnant and was trying not to.
7. Do not ask me if I get to choose a sex when they pick the embryos.
8. Do not ask me if my future children will be normal since they are not created "naturally."
9. When I just start to cry, do not tell me you understand how I feel. You have no idea how I feel. Not even close!
10. Lastly, do not tell me that my day will come. What if it never comes? What will you say then??

So these are just some tips for you lucky fertile people out there. We can co-exist in this world; we just have to understand our boundaries.

I am getting off my soapbox now.

I went to the doctor today to have blood drawn. They wanted to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. My progesterone levels were normal but my estrogen was low. I was instructed to increase from one estrogen patch to three. I really don't know what that means. My fear is that my body is not creating the necessary hormones which could mean my little ones are gone.

I have cried all day at just the thought that they are gone. Jon and I can not afford another $15,000.00 to try this again nor do we have the money to adopt right away. So, if this doesn't work, I guess we will live childless. Just the thought makes me cry.

I tested again. Negative. What I would give to see a faint second line. I already have the feelings that the cycle didn't work.

How do you pick up the pieces? How do you continue to go to work and put a smile on your face?

I hope my feelings are wrong and I will get a pleasant surprise soon.