For all you readers, I am so sorry that I have not been posting like I normally do. It has been a few days.

I went to the store to buy a digital pregnancy test and to also buy some traditional ones. I knew many women had said they got their coveted BFP around day 7 or 8 but I still had hope. I was excited. All the experiences I had read of other couples showed a BFP definitely by day 11. In fact, the embryo timeline stated that by day 11 you would definitely know. I had my 4 tests and when I got home I immediately peed in a cup. This process was so familiar. I can't even tell you how many times I had gone through the home pregnancy test process. Years and Years worth. So, I dipped the sticks and waited. I left to go let my furbaby, Bella, outside knowing this would give plenty of time for the tests to process.

I went back to my bedroom and dreaded looking at the tests. I had seen so many negatives that I desperately wanted to see two beautiful pink lines or the amazing word "Pregnant." I walked past the sticks, went to my closet to arrange some clothes. I realized I would have to look at them; it wouldn't change anything if I didn't. I took a deep breath, and looked at the sticks that would be tell me my future.

It was like visiting a consistent old friend. One bright pink single line and the words "Not Pregnant." I crashed. I cry just writing this. I am so crushed. I wanted this to work so badly that I think I made myself believe it worked. I continued to look at the all too familiar tests. It was so surreal; almost like looking from the outside in. I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed. I text Jon the words "Game Over." Now, I know what a lot of you ladies might say. It could be a late implanter, you still could get pregnant. However, I researched the possibility of those statements being true and the chances are slim to none. I am simply "Not Pregnant."

I don't know what my next steps will be. We don't have the money for another cycle; we don't have the money to adopt. I have BETA on Friday but I don't see the point. However, I will finish what I started. How am I to face everyone at work who is waiting to hear? How do I tell my family? Why did I have to tell everyone under the sun that we were going through In Vitro? I guess I will figure the answers to these as I go.

We did everything right. We took all the meds right on time. I had a great response to the meds. I mean 20 eggs!! They found plenty of sperm to fertilize. We transferred two beautiful embabies, 8 cell perfect! I rested and talked to my little ones. Jon would rub my belly and tell them how much we desperately wanted to meet them. I was on dozens of prayer lists; my family was praying; I even had a candle lit for me; I prayed everyday for a wonderful family. I really don't think I could have done anything differently.

Right now, I don't know if I will ever hear the words, I love you Mom.

Thank you for all the prayers and kind words of encouragement. I will continue to hope all of you get your wonderful BFPs. I know all of us are all too familiar with waiting for "our turn."